Romeo

is now in spain.

Pussy is NOT a side dish

very quickly. need to pack. just hit me. pussy is NOT a side dish, just like food is not a side dish, and breathing is not a side dish.

in fact, maybe it’s the other way around? at least in the beginning?

hear me out.

let’s see i am a zero, just starting out. in many ways, after my divorce, i was a zero. or negative. my confidence was shot. i was looking backwards. i was horny but sad. i was all confused and nostalgic. so i had baggage.

saying “ah pussy is a side dish, don’t sweat it” — that sounds pretty damn disingenuous if you think about it, right? cause we are men. we are horny.

instead, if you say, “pussy is important. work hard. stand out from the crowd. take chances. take risks. motivate yourself to stand out from the competition, and THEN get whatever pussy comes your way, because pussy is important, it is like food or air, we need it to survive” — i think that is more like what i am trying to say.

at least for beginners. guys who still are having confidence issues like i was and still am.

basically, bawg till you die — and don’t judge yourself.

the first girl i fucked after my divorce, i got down on myself because she wasn’t as beautiful as my ex. yeah, i am crazy. but that is what i did. look at the glass half empty.

fuck that.

bawg baby bawg.

if i (1) recognize that i need pussy, and (2) use that need to motivate me to become a more interesting man, and then (3) fuck whatever i can at the time, at whatever status and value i happen to have, and (4) BE PROUD of myself at whatever stage i am at, and just bawg away — i think THAT is how a beginner gets out of the rut of not getting laid.

slowly climbing out of the ditch.

i have fucked four girls in the year since my divorce — well, 3.5 — and i feel like i am getting out of the ditch. i am getting some new experiences under my belt, feeling better about myself, and feeling like more of a man.

i fuck who i can, whatever girl is into me, and i don’t berate myself about it, or beat myself up.

if jeanette is the best i can do at the time, great.

maybe next month, i will do better. no, better yet, I AM GOING TO WORK HARD AND GAIN MORE STATUS AND VALUE so that next month, i am fucking a better girl.

but the keep on fucking, that is key. gotta stay in the game. to judge girls too harshly and NOT fuck, and go on a dry spell — THAT IS DISASTER.

so in that sense, thinking “aw pussy is just a side dish, who needs it” — i think that is a mistake, for beginners.

once you are an alpha stud like danny, and you know you can flip the magic whenever you need to, you know you have the skills to make the girl squirm and squeal — then you can be more “picky” — cause you are already out of the ditch and high up on the mountain, looking down at the girls from your vantage point.

for us guys still in the ditch, we gotta bawg bawg bawg — and bawg with pride.

Watching Star Trek episode 1

watching the first ever star trek episode, episode 1 from season 1
free if any of you guys have amazon prime

this shit is fantastic
episode 1 is called “the man trap”
love it so far

i have never seen a full star trek episode before
or any of the movies
always thought sci fi was silly

now i am seeing past the “silliness” to the deeper truths and lessons

more later
back to the show

Valentina vs Jeanette

was just thinking this in the shower right now. based on johnny’s comment, about how i should focus on all the things i am doing *right*, in order to give myself momentum.

well, the thing i think i am most proud of is my newfound comfort in my own skin. i haven’t yet achieved “glory” in my own skin — being the center of all good feelings, etc. — but i *have* achieved comfort in my own skin. that is crucial.

here’s how i know.

it is simple.

let’s see how i can explain this the quickest and easiest.

okay. so valentina. huge part of the reason i fell for her so hard was that i felt that she was stunningly beautiful. she was my pride and joy. i felt like a king next to her, socially. i always felt she was the prettiest girl in the room. simply put, she gave me value.

now, jeanette, significantly less attractive. less pretty. body almost as good. less cultured. less sophisticated. less classy. less educated. etc.

however, this is the great thing — i don’t care. why not? because a girl does not define me. a girl does not give me value.

A GIRL DOES NOT GIVE ME VALUE.

it’s the other way around.

me being with a girl gives HER value.

so i could write tons more about this but got tons of other things to do. bottom line — oh yeah, i was going to say, i had this issue since junior high — even earlier.

i remember in 6th grade, the first girl who liked me was this really cute black girl, friends with the most popular girl in school. but nope. she wasn’t good enough for me. i wanted only the hottest girl.

this happened again in junior high. and again in high school. if any girl liked me, i was so self conscious, and so *uncomfortable* in my own skin, i immediately was all awkward, and saw her flaws, and got down on myself — AND THESE GIRLS WERE CUTE TOO, JUST NOT THE HOTTEST GIRL IN THE CLASS — what the fuck was wrong with me???

SO SELF CONSCIOUS.

it’s not like i was the hottest guy, anyway. it’s just that, by dating any one of these girls, my value would be “defined”, and i wanted to somehow pretend that i still could get the hottest girl, instead of just banging away at whichever girl liked me.

CRAZY I KNOW.

so i am overcoming that. jeanette is into me? cool. let’s do it. crystal is into me? cool, let’s do it.

i am becoming comfortable in my own skin.

and that’s the only way to go up.

Moving

they are packing my stuff up today. i am moving on thursday.

i have been scared shitless for several days. i am a coward. i am afraid. i am afraid of so many things, the list would be very long.

getting a tremendous number of blowjobs from two girls, well that did nothing for me. it solved none of my problems.

i feel like i have made very little progress. a lit bit, but not much. i know to be unreactive, i know a lot about frame control, but i just *act* unreactive, but in reality i am VERY reactive.

i am still an AFC. reading rollo’s post reminded me of that.

of course, #1 is still pedestalization. i do it every day. i do it every day, and with random girls i just meet. i am a disaster. a FUCKING disaster.

energy flows where attention goes, which makes me not want to write about all these pathetic examples of chumpness. let’s just say it happened again the other day with the cashier at the container store. fml.

i know i can’t run away from my problems. my problems follow me wherever i go, because my problems are in my head.

i made a new friend, his name is jason, and he is moving into my apartment. he is from ireland, and he is giving me a good feeling, because he is some random guy from europe, but he has a lot more soul than most people i have met in the states.

jason had some interesting things to say. one thing he said that i really liked was, “live from the neck down” — meaning, get out of your head!

i have been way too inside my head since day one. growing up, as a child, i was the most self conscious little motherfucker you ever met. now i can fake it really good, but i am still very self conscious.

i FAKE being unreactive, but i still am very reactive.

ongoing post. this move is taking longer than i thought.

Friday night

not sure if this means anything, but i was tallying up which of my friends came to my get together friday, and how i knew them, what activity.

cubicle job 2 (b, s)

photo class 3 (y, b, c)

art party 2 (m, k)

museum related 1 (c)

photo related 2 (m, j)

writing class 1 (j)

soccer team 0

from before 1 (r)

i think that’s it. my theory was that — well it was based on the observation that i was surprised that three people came from my photo class, especially because i didn’t even really like them that much. and then i thought i must have made a good impression, that they liked me and admired me.

then i noticed that no one came from my soccer team. aside from the team being pretty lowbrow, still, if i had been the best player on the team, i think someone would have shown up.

and then from my crap cubicle job, two people came, and that was from 8 months of getting to know people.

so my theory is that i am best — where i stand out most — is in photography (photo class, art party with my photography, and museum related was also photo related), and not so much in corporate jobs, or writing, or soccer.

just a theory.

Quote of the day

“It takes courage to set priorities….if priorities and intent are not clear they cannot be criticized”

-C. Rice

—

condi rice? got it from somebody’s fb